I met Gurunath around the year 2001, when I was dating a man in the states who was a long time disciple of Mr Nath. Originally, I only saw the guru when he came to do Satsang on the west coast and my boyfriend and I would host his events in Portland, Oregon. I was not too open to having a guru myself, but I was always in support of my boyfriend, who loved and respected this man dearly as his teacher and almost spiritual “savior,” I suppose you could say.
I had always held Mr Nath’s views to be highly chauvinistic (as we call it in the west when women are not honored and respected to the same level a man is thought to be). So whenever he engaged disciples in groups with me, I was the woman who would always call him out on inconsistencies with the truth I held, as I felt it my job to stand up for women everywhere and their value and role as embodiments of the Divine Feminine.
I tell you all of this because I want you to understand that I was coming from a background of not listening to a guru, it was not my upbringing to do so, but instead I was raised in a very conservative Christian religion which taught me to only listen to the tightly woven laws they had of what I should do and believe. So when I finally liberated myself from that belief structure, I was very closed to the idea of someone else telling me what to do in order to reach God.
During the 2005-2006 fall and winter I spent my time at a yoga ashram in Bihar. I had gone to do a yogic immersion course there and was introduced to the idea of a “guru” as if for the very first time. I was an avid yogi by western standards at that stage of my life. I wished to deepen my understand of yoga and had already begun to teach yoga back home. When at yoga school I watched the relationship of who was the acting head of the ashram there, and how he interacted with his guru, and from my standpoint at the time, it seemed like a very honoring, respectful, even desirable sort of relation. So, upon consideration of my own desire to evolve spiritually, rather than take on a guru at the ashram, as other students were doing, I remembered that I had a “guru” who was sort of “part of the family” if you could say that - since my boyfriend had been dedicated to this man Mr Nath for over 10 years.
So, upon leaving the yoga ashram in Bihar in late January of 2006, I met my boyfriend in India where we then traveled to Goa where other disciples of Yogiraj had a mini-ashram setting and had invited Mr Nath to come during my stay. It was at this time that I first mentioned to Mr Nath about my interest in having a guru. His energy immediately shifted to that which I had never encountered with me over the previous years. He suddenly began telling me, in almost coded words, that my spiritual evolution was halted internally due to my second chakra being blocked, and that a guru (like him) could help me to unleash what was blocked. He told me that that would be accomplished in several ways, one being a swift kick in the tailbone area (which he referred to as the method he would most often use with male disciples) or the second way would be to manipulate it internally. I could feel the reference he was making was sexual in nature, and I immediately discounted his statement for the thought alone seemed grotesque and inappropriate.
Over the months that followed, I had returned home to the states after being in the yoga school for nearly 6 months and my life felt very different. I had a much stronger spiritual impetus. I wanted to teach what I’d learned, I wished to help others, I was deeply connected to my spiritual path and arose early daily to meditate and contemplate my life’s direction and my connection to Source or God. I had a thirst for speeding up my journey and when Mr Nath came to the states again several months later I saw him begin to re-engage me with similar sly comments and manipulative statements such as “you are much more advanced than other women, so you understand what I am saying” and “you feel as though no one understands your growth, but I do.”
I was helping my boyfriend to organize the Satsang, and had planned more participation than normal, I had even agreed to finally be initiated into the Kriya yoga that he taught. He “took special care” of me, I suppose you could say. He kept feeding me comments which I see now as sly manipulation to lead me in the direction of what he wanted me to do.
On the day of the incident which was in late July of 2006 it was early in the morning and I had gotten up to make breakfast and chai for the guru and at the dining table he began again mentioning that he could assist my second chakra in becoming unblocked. He told me that I was advanced enough to be able to handle the process, though many would not be able to understand, that I would likely be able to tell no one of it.
I was feeling his sexual energy beginning to be directed at me and felt trapped in my own home. I was coming around a corner into the living room and he pinned me against the wall and pulled out his penis. I remember it was short and fat. He pushed it towards me and whispered words which I can’t even recall in detail, so startled was I, but I do remember him speaking of his power and that he was the guru, and that his “Shiva Lingham” was potent. He tried to push his penis towards my pelvis. He instructed me to grab it and to feel the power. I stepped away, feeling nervous and afraid to be left with him. Later in the day, I had the realization that my partner had forgotten his parents were flying in and left suddenly to pick them up from the airport. This left me alone in the house with Mr Nath.
Without delay, once realizing we were alone in the house, Mr Nath called my name from the bedroom he was staying in and ordered that I meet him in the room. It was from this point that I feel I was being mind controlled, as I seemed to move towards him without question. I went into the room and he was sitting in lotus pose on a pillow and he told me to sit in front of him. Incense was burning and he acted as though he was in meditation. He began chanting and telling me that we had karma together. I sat there unsure of what we were doing, just listening and following instruction as though I was scared to leave. After ten minutes or so of chanting and staring at me he stood up and ordered me to the bed with him, where he took me and pulled me down, pulled open the skirt I was wearing and pressed his hardened lingham up to me. At this point I can barely remember exactly what occurred except for that he had entered me and was hissing like a snake and chanting. I felt as if in a trance. I lost track of time and what was happening. I felt overtaken. I could not speak up for myself nor resist. After severtal moments he ejaculated in me, which then woke me up to a sudden panic and a feeling of “what just happened?”
At this point he told me to run quickly and wash myself so that I didn’t get into trouble. I was perplexed as I entered the shower. Did this guru really just have sex with me? And ejaculate in me? I knew this was not the traditional way in Tantra, at least what I had read about it. I did not think a Tantric ceremony, which I had assumed that was, was supposed to end in ejaculation. I thought men were supposed to hold their semen. Beyond that I was completely in shock of what had just occurred. I didn’t feel as though I could tell anyone. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and taken advantage of. He played it off as though nothing happened and continued his stay without so much as a glance at me.
It wasn’t until 6 weeks later when I missed my period did I realize that I was indeed pregnant with Mr Nath’s baby. I was horrified.
When I called Mr Nath to tell him that I was pregnant he was completely insulting and rude to me. He told me that the ceremony was not meant for that purpose and that I should proceed with getting an abortion immediately. He said that if I kept the baby that I would have a difficult time, would not be able to handle it and that if anyone were to find out it would ruin his reputation. He threatened me not to tell this story to anyone, just to take care of it or it would not “wear good for me.” I felt that he had made a threat on my life and became, in that moment, hell bent on having the child, as I felt him to be special (and he is) and protecting him from harm.
I have never heard from Mr Nath or anyone in his family since that date. A few times I tried to tell the story to other disciples because I feared that he might do this to other women, and they did not believe me. They thought I had made up the story. At one point I crossed paths with a woman through the Hamsa Yoga Sangha (Gurunath’s organization) who had also had an inappropriate sexual encounter from Mr Nath. She was also being ridiculed for trying to share the story with the Yoga Sangha and decided to shut up.
It has been 10 years, Prime Minister. Many many times over the years have I thought how I needed to speak up, how I worried that other women would be hurt as I was. But since I had this child on my own I spent all of my time and heart on raising him and making the means to afford basic living necessities and making sure he felt loved and safe. We have had a good life, I am so grateful for him, but I do believe that every child deserves the right to their inheritance. Every child deserves care and support as they grow. My ten year old boy, Heritage (Haritej) Satya Bliss is the blood son of Yogiraj Gurunath Siddhanath, though he has never been acknowledged by the man or his family.
I would never regret the birth of my son. I love him dearly. He is very gifted and amazing, though he does have some health issues such as his recent diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. This of course adds extra strain to our lives in caring for him properly. I feel it is only fair and proper that the biological father of a child take responsibility for the care or at least financial support of the child. My son wonders of his biological father and the impact Mr Nath’s silence has upon my son may never be fully known.
In the year 2010 I was searching for spiritual teachings on Youtube and came across the so called guru Yogiraj Satgurunath Siddhanath or Mr Shitole as I prefer to call him, as these titles should be used in honor of saints who actually bring people to enlightenment and not furtherinto darkness, confusion and pain.
This same year I traveled from Norway to England to participate in his weekend kriya yoga program for initiation into kriya yoga and as I was a month later due to travel for a long journey to asia, I was invited to cometo the ashram in Pune.
After a few months of travelling I remembered the invitation. This was a time when I felt very vulnerable in my life and was feeling a strong need to be guided and protected by a spiritual teacher, so I called up and wastold that I could come immediately.
In January 2011 I arrived to the ashram, I was told before coming that this was a very special invitation, that there were not many people there at that time, and should consider myself very lucky for this opportunity.
There were 3 Amercian boys there and an elderly man also from America who had been with Mr Shitole for some years and also some Indian devotees. I bonded nicely with them all and settled in well into the ashram. Mr. Shitole gave me a Krya yoga empowerment personally in the little temple on the property. This was the first time, that when I look back, I could sense that he was making sexual insinuations without yet wording it specifically. He had done an energetic transmission and he was asking if I had felt something in my swadhistanachakra.
After 2 weeks of me being in the ashram, one morning at around 9 AM, he was suddenly standing at my door. I was staying there alone in one of the huts, I was completely startled as I did not expect this, I bowed immediately to his feet in respect, but he hurried me to go inside as he also rushed to come inside after me. He was nervous, his hands were shaking, and I was not quite sure what was happening.
He said that he was there to offer me a tantric initiation, he said this would be very auspicious for my kundalinin energy. He started explaining some concepts about how he could either make a hard hit on my tail bone or something like that or he could do it sexually with me which would be better for me. I was so much caught off guard and allowed for this to happen. I had already bought into the story from the other disciples that he was an incredible yogi, that he was realized etc.
The whole act was finished within seconds, he put his very small penis inside me and he ejaculated immediately. I did not feel anything special, but I was very confused as he had actually let his semen inside my body.
He left and I was inside my room trying to comprehend what had just happened to me. Later he took me into thehouse, we were there for some minutes alone, and he was very clear about that if I had become pregnant I would have to take an abortion, he explained that becasue he had the position that he had he could not risk to damagehis reputation. I was completely shocked.
Obviously I should have left the ashram immediately, but I felt I was under a spell so I continued to stay there, not able to know what was right or wrong.
I did not fall pregnant at that time and he kept coming to see me, now he would come and wake me up at night,stay for some minutes and then leave. More people started coming to the ashram and I moved to a tent, he asked me to put the tent right outside the back of his house so that he easily could come to see me at night. He often asked me to make orgasmic sounds, which I refused as I was terrified that anyone would hear it. Also the act was always finished within seconds as he ejaculated very quickly.
After some time there in the ashram I told Yoso, a devotee from LA what was going on,between Mr. Shitole and myself. Mr Shitole found out about it and I was asked by him to immediately go and tell Yoso that I had been fantasizing about it all.
I traveled with the big group that had arrived from many places in the world on a pilgrimage to the Himalayas together with Mr. Shitole. Mr. Shitole had given me half the amount, 400$ in secrecy to be able to pay for the trip, which I later handed over to his wife Shivangini as payment for the trip, 800$ in total is what they were asking from the participants.
I left in March 2011 for a few months for meditation retreats in Thailand. Mr. Shitole had asked me to meet him in London as he was starting his Europe and America tour in the spring/summer 2011. I came directly to London from Thailand to meet him and was invited to stay in the house that he was in with some Indian devotees, for almost a week.
During that time he asked me to meet him in Italy and requested for me to bring condoms to not risk getting pregnant. I went to Norway for 3 weeks and met him in Italy for the retreats that he was giving there.
We stayed in a retreat center and I was asked to come to his room at night. He told me that if anyone would quetsion anything to lie to them and say that I was going into the main hall to meditate. So here I am already keeping this hughe lie for everyone, and he is also telling me to start lying about other things as well..a ”guru” who is meant to lead us to a life in truth, free from deceipt.
He invited me to come to California and I followed him there. We all, Gurunath and myself and others stayed at a devotees house, her name is Niloo and her daughter Chloe. Also here I was asked to come to his room at night when everybody was sleeping.
These sexual episodes happened several times at Niloos house, also at an indian devoteed house in San Diego where we all stayed at this house, and also at Jayne Gehrs house in L.A
At this point I started having several breakdowns. It started to be too much for me to keep these secrets, I was friends with all these people and I was living a lie. They were all thinking he is a perfect impecable celibate guru.
One time when I had a break down, Mr. Shitole came to me, was in San Diego, he came into a room where I was alone and said ”I know what you need now, you need some masculine energy and he took out his hard penis and put it in my mouth in order to give him sexual pleasure.
The last place I was with him was in San Fransisco. We were out camping in the forrest with just a few people. Runbeer and an asian family that he usually stayed with when in SF. He came into my tent at night for sexual intercourse.
At this point I was so run down by it all that I rememberstanding in the shower one morning crying out for help..silently inside myself I was screaming inside for God to help me. Little did I know at this time that I had also fallen pregnant with him.
Before I left SF to go back to Norway I told Runbeer that Mr. Shitole is no longer my guru, I knew I had to cut this connection.
Mr. Shitole had asked for me to come and stay in Pune after he returned to India, he told me that he would rent a hotel room for me so that he could come and see me whenever he could.
But now I was very firm on leaving for good. I told my best friend everything when I returned to Norway what had happened. She was in shock as I had kept everything a secret. I was at a very low point at that time, and was concerned as I had not received my period after returning to Norway. I returned to Norway from San Fransisco 7th September 2011. At my friends house I took a pregnancy test which showed positive, that I was at that point pregnant with Mr. Shitoles child.
I contacted the local police station to report what had happened. Everything is recorded, it was an almost 3 hour interview, it is video recorded with me and a police detective present. I was in a huge crisis in my life and thought it important to inform about the actions of this man.
An abortion was performed at the local hospital in my town in mid - September 2011.
At this time I was demonised by the entire cult of Mr. Shitole, he told his devotees to delete me from FB, that I had gone crazy. It was indeed a dark night of the soul for me. I had taken an abortion which is for a woman one of the most heart breaking things to experience, everyone turned their back at me when I tried to reach out and tell the truth of what had happened with Mr. Shitole.
I wrote a letter telling everything to a few of the senior women, but never had any reply, I told Runbeer and several others also, but much later on I realised that Mr. Shitole had told everyone that I had gone crazy and therefore noone listened to me.